Why Many of Today’s Men Can’t Settle Down

The title of this article, of course, does not apply to all men. But a sufficient number of men have turned away from following the traditional path (i.e., first dating, then engagement, then marriage) that the question is a legitimate one, particularly since we hear so often about how the apparent decline of the family has led to many of the ills of the current society.

So what got me to thinking about this subject?

Well, throughout the years my women friends have lodged their concerns/frustrations with me about the men in their lives. They’ve talked about how their man stayed out late, about how he ignored his children, about how he didn’t bring enough money into the house, about how he spent all the money that came into the house, etc. But at least they had a man there to lodge a complaint against. Recently, however, the frustrations have centered around one theme. That’s right; you guessed it: Men seem no longer to be interested in a committed relationship. Oh, the relationships start out promising but always end with the man disappearing after a few dates. 

Recently, after receiving such a call from a friend and me being a person who looks at things from the spiritual and/or metaphysical side of life (not just the physical), I started thinking about whether there was something in the spirit of men that was preventing him from settling into a relationship for the long haul. Are men, I asked myself, simply immature or is there a spiritual component to his apparent inability or unwillingness to settle in and settle down, one that does not excuse the man (for those who believe he’d better have an excuse and a damn good one to boot) but one that at least provides a measure of understanding.

For sure, there are men who are immature. But to say that one is immature for not settling down is to assume that settling down is the right thing to do.

The first thing I did was look up the definition of the words “settle down.” I found that these words could be used in many different contexts. However, the themes of the contexts were the same. In all definitions I read, settle down had something to do with becoming fixed, calm, quiet, established, and stationary. Two definitions read as follows: 

1. settle for, to be satisfied with: to settle for less.

2. settle into, to become established in: to settle into a new routine.

Dictionary.com

Of the two definitions above, #2 struck a cord. In my mind the part about being established correlated with being “successful” or more importantly, living up to one’s potential. Being that the purpose of my writings is to inspire people to be creative, to, in essence, live of up to their potential, it struck me that if settling down meant being established then a person who is not established/not living his or her potential cannot be settled (spiritually speaking) and thus will have trouble settling, in the physical sense.

Most societies do not support individualism. Most societies are about following the status quo. When one follows the status quo one essentially stifles their own creativity. The problem that exists today is that while part of our society still promotes the old belief of adhering to the status quo, there is a growing band of individuals that have entered a new dimension of consciousness. Self-realization is a major component of this new consciousness. Self-realization does not lend itself to settling for less as stated in definition #1 nor does it lend itself to settle into a routine as stated in definition #2. It does however lend itself to the concept of being established or better said, it does lend itself to being one who is grounded, self-assured, being creative, being authentic, living your purpose. So that today, it is becoming ever more difficult for anyone (man or woman) to participate (especially long term) in any endeavor which feels as though it may threaten their right to live as a free being, to live their purpose.

Sadly, too many men (women too, but this article is about men) are not living the lives they want to live. They are working jobs that do not bring satisfaction and are working for bosses who show them little respect. They have not been taught how to be business owners (which many of them yearn to be) and so they feel trapped. The older they are, the more they feel time slipping away. These men often go through what is known as the mid-life crisis which will be for many their only chance to really express themselves. As for the younger men, many of them are rebelling right out of the gate, refusing to travel the same path that caused their fathers, brothers and uncles so much internal grief, and this rebellion spills over into their relationships, sadly after many of them have already conceived children, too many of which will feel the backlash of their fathers’ frustration.

This inability or unwillingness to fulfill one’s potential should not be used as an excuse to shirk one’s responsibilities, particularly when it comes to taking care of one’s children. Still, many men cannot bear the limitations associated with being responsible for someone else when they have not yet been responsible to themselves, spiritually speaking. Not to be responsible to self, not to take care of self, not to attain to one’s dreams is very unsettling to one’s soul. And, if you are not settled within, you cannot be truly settled without. In my opinion a man should do three things before he takes on external, life altering responsibilities: (1) he should find out who he is, at his core (2) he should find out his purpose and live it, and (3) he should build a profitable business.

As I have said, man has entered a new dimension of consciousness. It is a dimension that is evolving from the inside out- meaning that in spite of our lack of awareness or our wanting to do the opposite, as a species, we can no longer settle for being less than we are capable. The decline in marriage is not a fluke; neither is the increase in divorce. These phenomenons are linked to the increasing need for self-actualization. Neither women nor men can no longer put up with a partner who criticizes rather than encourages. All over the planet people are breaking the bonds of repression and are refusing to enter into any relationship that has even a hint of repressiveness. Sure, in our pursuit of freedom we are doing many things wrong. Sure, there is chaos but chaos is always the precursor to change and this…is a collective change. We have all had a hand in bringing about this new man.

Some 50 years ago women got fed up with being oppressed by men so they sought and succeeded in changing the landscape of the male and female relationship. For good or bad, today’s man is one byproduct of that change. You cannot claim freedom for women without creating a corresponding energy of freedom for men. The universe demands balance.

As with all change the time will come when things will return to an even keel. We will once again learn how to relate to each other; but instead of relating in a way that makes us feel confined our new motto will be freedom for you and freedom for me. Freedom is love and love is freedom and the outgrowth of freedom is self-expression without condemnation and that is worth settling for.

The Creative Force in You

All people want to be successful. All people want to reach their highest potential. The ability to reach our highest potential is built into our very cell structure; yet despite this, too many of us seem not to be able to reach the peaks in life. Too many of us remain in the valley. We press our faces and hands against the glass of opportunity, leaving behind only handprints of regrets. Rarely do we venture to the other side of the glass. But, I say to you that there is a way to the other side. There is a way, a universal and ancient way of levitating out of the valley.

There is a simple solution for ascending out of the valley. Yes, it may take time, it may take perseverance but the way of doing it, the mechanism for reaching your potential is, in and of itself, not very difficult at all. What is this mechanism? It is the mechanism of creativity. That’s right, creativity; the foundation of all universal laws is the way of reaching your peaks.

This ancient and universal law is one that is well known to those who have fulfilled their dreams. It is the law that requires men and women to sow, to plant a seed, to be a part of the creative process. In exchange for your participation, the law says that you will reap a benefit from your sowing. And, not only will you reap in reciprocity to what you have sown (one sprout for one seed) but the law promises that you will reap a harvest- many times more than what you have sown.

Just as a corn seed is planted in the earth, so too are human beings planted in the earth, with the potential to become a harvest unto ourselves. You are a result of creation. You are part of creation. The force of creation and creativity is in you.

Look around you. Have you noticed the financially successful people? Have you noticed that they have become successful by way of something that they have created? They have given something (a service or product, tangible or intangible) to the universe and the universe, in exchange, has rewarded them with not only financial success but also the periphery things that financial success gives birth to, such as peace of mind, comfort and most importantly, personal time. Your potential lies in your willingness to enter into an exchange with the universe. Unleash what is in you and the universe will release what it has stored up for you.

There are many secrets to living a successful life. I call them secrets not because only members of a select group have access to them. I call them secrets only because we are not consciously aware of them (this, however, is rapidly changing). In fact, you may be surprised to know that the secrets have always been with you. They were with you before your earthly birth, they have been with you each day of your earthly life, and they will be with you when you return to your spiritual home.

We all have the ability to create. We all have talents and gifts to offer to the universe and to each other. For those who don’t believe that you are creative: Very shortly, the truth and beauty of who you are and of what you are capable will be revealed to you.

Post Script:

The planet on which we reside is a living organism and like any living organism, there comes a time for a good old fashioned house cleaning. The earth is in the process of cleaning house; this is why it appears to be in a state of chaos. In the middle of this chaos is the economic downturn. Peoples financial survival is at risk. But in this risk lies opportunity. The earth is forcing human beings to take another path, a path of enlightenment, of caring and sharing, a path of self-reliance. The universe has tired of holding on to your harvest. And, so it is forcing you to sow you own seeds!!  Don’t let this opportunity to exercise your creativity pass you by.

Three Ways to Discover your Talents

1. Remember back to your childhood.  It may be a cliché but it works. Our childhood is the time of freedom. It is the time of limitless imagination. This was the time when you lived from your intuition and you knew exactly what it was you wanted to be. You had a clear vision of your future and no one could get in your way. Try to remember back to this time. Try to recall what it was that made you excited about your future, that thing that made you say, often, “when I grew up, I’m gonna be….

2. Identify the common themes in your life. For instance, are you the person others come to for resolution to their problems? This could be an indication that your true purpose is to be a counselor or negotiator. Are you a sympathizer or are you a straight to the point type.  You could be the next Oprah or Dr. Phil.

3. Accept responsibility. Have you ever been told that you are blocking your blessings? Many of us have repetitive feelings, thoughts, and ideas. Too many of these feelings, thoughts, and ideas revolve around fear. In my opinion, fear is a byproduct of external living. What I mean by this is that we depend too much on the “good” opinions of other. We are always looking outside of ourselves for answers, for acceptance; and, because of this, when things go wrong, we point the finger at others; in fact, we feel justified in doing so. But accept it or not, everything and I mean everything that happens in your life is a result of some action you took or some thought you had. However, because we do not take responsibility for our lives, we never examine our own thoughts and deeds and the consequence of this is that we go on unconsciously creating negative outcomes. When, however, we take responsibility, even if our culpability is not apparent, then and only then are we capable of changing our circumstances, otherwise, if the other is to blame, then things cannot change until the other decides to change it. Responsibility is the sign of a functioning intelligence and an intelligent person does not intentionally do things or say things that block their blessings. Responsibility leads to a kind of serenity. When you are serene, you are open. When you open to life, life reveals its secrets to you and the secret of your talents is usually its first gift.

Recommended Reading:

Creativity: The Beginning of All Possibilities  visit The Book Shop @ http://www.versatilethinking.com/

When Times Are Hard

"One of the greatest tragedies of scarcity thinking is that in depressed economic times, people are taught to be fearful when in fact it is during such times that the opportunity for abundance often lies in their willingness to be courageous." - Kevin Nixon

I have lived through two recessions/depressions. The recession of 2009 will be my third. Each time before as now, people became filled with despair, thinking that they are financially doomed. People worried then as now about being able to pay their mortgage, being able to buy groceries, so on and so on.

In depressed economic times, most people shut off. However, there are those few that rather than shrinking they choose instead to expand, to expand in their intelligence, to expand in their creativity. They dare to take risks and a great many of them become financially well off during what appears to be times of scarcity.

Those that would see you miss an opportunity will seek to instill in you a sense of fear. They would have you become as statues, standing still in a time in which you should be moving. They would have you wait for things to blow over so that you can return to the very same life you complained about in times of economic prosperity.


Everything happens in cycles. Cycles by their very nature usher in an end as well as a new beginning. It is while in the midst of the end cycle that we should be expanding, setting the foundation to reap the rewards of the new cycle is coming. This end cycle is a time for self-education, risk taking, a time to discover your innate talents. This is the time to be Creativity!!!! It is the time to sow the seeds for the coming harvest.

We want guarantees. But life is not about guarantees. If you are looking for guarantees then you are likely not living. If you reach for a thing, you may obtain it or you may not obtain it.But life and living is in the reaching not the obtaining.

The Journey Home

From the day we are born we are on a journey. It is a journey of discovery. Even our choice to materialize on this planet is based on a desire to discover. While what we choose to discover appears to be different, that is, externally speaking; our need to search is nevertheless and often unknowingly driven by the same desire: We all have an intrinsic need to reach the peak of our existence.

And there is so much to life that we are not aware of or that we are afraid to delve into simply because others have labeled it evil. We have given up our sovereignty as individuals for the “security” of living in the valley of smooth walls, where there are no peaks to scale. Oz appears to be a wonderful place and the wizard does indeed have a hat full of tricks.

Again, we all have a need to discover. Some of us are intense in our methods and some of us are mellow. Yet despite the methodology, the intensity or lightness of the pursuit, we all (consciously or unconsciously) push forward in a singular quest. It is a quest to discover the greatest of uncharted territories. This territory is vast and holds many hidden treasures. It is the territory of self.

Everything that we experience (“good” and “bad”) is an experience designed to bring us closer to understanding who we are. How we respond to our experiences determines if, at that moment, we move further away or come closer to this understanding. I say at that moment because eventually, the experience will be repeated, again and again- affording us infinite opportunities to correctly respond. And the moment we give the correct response, we take a quantum leap in the discovery of self.

Once you find yourself, once you find your authentic self, from that point on your life, if you choose, can have a synergetic flow to it. Yes, you will have trials and tribulations; but remember I said that how you respond to these tribulations will determine if you expand or shrink. And be ever mindful that finding your self is not an endpoint; it is rather a continuous process. Too many of us give too much of our focus to the destination and not enough focus to the journey. Thinking about the tomorrow has its place but life truly only happens here, in the now.

Having found your authentic voice, you will begin to want to change. In fact, change is an organic result of a new self. One area in which you will desire the greatest change is in how you spend your waking hours. This is because you will have become keenly aware of the value of time. Most of our time is spent engaged in activities that very often do not give expression to our life’s purpose; therefore, it is here that you may desire the greatest change. The more you delve into yourself, the closer you will come to discovering your true mission on this planet. If you have been living as a lawyer when in fact you are truly meant to be a writer, suddenly you will discover yourself writing. In fact, you will ache for it. If on the other hand, you were living as a writer but were meant to be a lawyer, you will begin to seek out ways to go to law school. It does not matter what the true purpose of your life is, when discovery leads you to authenticity, you will seek to live your making rather than continuing to only make a living.

The great intuitive fear of finding your authentic self is that once it is discovered you will not be able to go back to the self you previously thought you were. Hear this again, YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO RETURN TO YOUR PREVIOUS SELF! Yes, externally, you can readopt hold habits. You can un-synergize, so to speak. But, I tell you; spiritually you will be in chaos; for you will have come into contact with your better self and turned your back on the opportunity to bring that better self to fruition. And this turning back while knowing better will bring chaos to your life. This is why many hold to the saying, “ignorance is bliss.” It takes courage to merely peak behind the veil of your own existence; to walk through the door takes chutzpa.